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   Friday, April 19, 2002
~*~ A MaN MaY LoVe lIkE A MaDmaN BuT neVeR LiKe a fOoL~*~

howdy do!..yes its me and im jotting this back at home after my almost half a page blog was completely been deleted in the computer lab due to the server..darn!..anyway..lets see..i just got back and have nothing else to do..arif ,ct's bf sent me home such an ANGEL!..hehehe..only ct and sheha knows wut an "angel" he is..hahaha,,u know today i learned one new thing about guys...that they are completely just like us...except that they dont show it..full with EMOTIONS,SENSITIVITY,CARING and the list goes on..hehe...i always tot that they would be the one with metal-heart sorta heart ...grunge couldnt careless ..but actually they're not..maybe becoz i come from a all girls school..and was completely shut off from the reality during my primary and high school time..ehmm....

geez i learned alot of stuffs for these past years..thanks to my college buddies..hehe..yes they have far more experience than i am..which makes me feel safe when im around them..its like a group of armour shield..haha merepek!..come to think of it im the ONLY girl in my chikz...who's single, no experience wutsoever..experience is like serious relationship; been with a guy, etc...ive known guys which i call them flings but no serious thingy..why u ask? i myself not quite sure..a part of me wants to have a bf , longing to know how's it feel like to have one; while the other half felt that i dont deserve it..sigh..yeah maybe i have inferiority complex..i dont feel like im that up to standard or position to even have one boyfriend...its like they dont deserve me..u know..i remembered when i was in high sch. i used to take myself as ugly and that no guy deserves to be with me..i dressed bad, horrible haircut, always with books..and the ugly side of me goes on..but when i c ppl who're a nerd needless to say- have a boyfriend..i felt jealous and all..why can they have one but i dont..?

then when a guy do comes in my life every now and then..i'll play along until things got serious and i backed out..why again? issit becoz im scared? shy? my cousin sed that mybe im scared of getting hurt..but notreally..that doesnt even come to my mind..wuts flowing in my mind is the idea of pleasing each other..being a COUPLe ..whether i could handle the"couple idea" and personality....( as u can see im questioning myself, do ignore)..then it struck me , that i never had a bestfren whom i tell every single thing to her or him..yes thats the too personality of keeping things at the back of my head keeps me away from guys and frens..i dont like to discuss about family matters or my problem..eventhough i dont have much problems..because i felt that family matters should be kept aside and if i were to tell all about it that means im deteriorating my own family name..macam memalukan keluarga sendiri that sorta thing..u know..but sampai bila right?i mean i respect them and all but i guess id be better tell my dillemas than being strained on it by myself..betul tak?so yes i these 2 years in college life have thought me alot! im more open-minded, caring, fun, and socialise too!i have friends like ct and sheha to help me around..hehe thanks guys..

so as for happy to announce that i have more guy frens now than my whole entire high sch. life..hehe..they're always there to cheer me up with their stewpid jokes and stories not to mention my girl frens are always there too.eventhough the amount does not range from 30-40 people..but their company are far enough than a 40 sum of i now declare..i shall apply all the principles of life which ive learned in my journey friendly, cheerful, funny, open-minded and etc..if i were to meant be with someone..i shall be all that im not then but a better loving and caring and HONEST girlfriend to him...hehe..sweet huh?i dunno why im crapping and why u guys are still reading~!!! i JUST DUNT UNDERSTAND!..heheh...okay now this proves that im soooo emotional..hehe..till then to mtv

love-earthy listener

   Monday, April 15, 2002
~*~ DeFiNe lOvE Is a sAcReD fLoWeR, WhIcH In ITs EArLy bUd Is hAPpInEsS & iN ItS FaLlBLoOm Is hEaVeN~*~

howdy all so sorry for not being able to write down here for almost 3 weeks!! yep..actuallly i tried but the stewpid pc in our computer lab couldnt reload the pages so all the stuff i typed were gone completely =(.......anyway today i officially finished all my assignment 1..........haaaaaaaaaaa.............a relieve..couldnt have imagine what me and my mates went thorugh for these past weeks!! we go to school with our doggy sleepy eyes..and horrible mood..all because those assigment..

we had a one week break which was the first week of april and guess wut we were we doin; for the entire week..YEP the we have no life or something'...wut to do..due date is the other week..anyway..oh just an no more infatuated with Y..why? maybe becoz i think he knows u know how feelings will fade away soon as we knew our counterpart's feelings..and yeah thats wut happened..according to budi, theres a big possibility that bow tol him all about i guess he thinks im psycho so that explains the "i dunt want to see u face"...and it sucks really...i dont like the whole idea of him knowing this lil' infatuation of mine..which doesnt really have a huge impact on me now..come to think of it..i say things which i dont mean it...and it happened for a lot of this case when i re-read about Y in my journal..i cant believe i actually said those things..i make it sounds so big and important but deep down it actually isnt...anyway thru' with dat!..and MAKE A WAY FOR *%^&$#....haha im kiding i aint gonna make a way for any new more no no. NO MORE DRAMA..if i still does it slap me! lets see how long i can restrain myself..shall we?...

the other day i think it was monday, yeah kenn way and chris sat along wif us at the foyer..we all had a good laugh..guess wut..kenn way and chris does climbing and was in rugby make things sounds worst, kenn way is in this martial art class in college-YUJIT SU...hahahah..imagine him!!sheha ct and me couldnt help gigling and rooling over offence kenn way & chris..then later we found out that hanim's crush this guy in MUFY is in kenn way's hanim was pretty excited about it...oh speaking about hiim not that i actually care about MUFY guy..but today something happened between us..i was waiting for ct outside Sweet garden as we were about to leave, then while covering my bulging stomach with my file i caught him starring at my tummy!! u know how self-conscious i was ..pissed too..things got worst when one of his fren asked him wut is he starring at and he just pointed with his face towards my tummy..i know i was holding the file right while they were all looking i took my file and had a looked at it..he was stunt to see my blank face and i mimmed to him wut? he was shocked and didnt say anything ..i just turned my head and laughed while walking a way from that place..even his fren was laughing at him!!maybe he'll think that i perasan he was loking at me while instead it was the file but i dont care...i know he was looking at the file coz i turned and have a looked at it right infront of them..ct terkejut i talked to him..haha tak kisah lah small thingy..

im looking for ward to my aerobic class klgcc diyana will be my class mate now...hehe..geez i dont have any sports shoe ..and any now? and the thing is at 5.30 tomolo..should i hit the mall? maybe for the sports shoe..but the rest could be replaced with something else..i guess id better go tata